Ashwini’s story: ‘Make it your right to offend’
Make it your right to offend.
“The world is a dangerous place not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.” – Albert Einstein
If you’ve happened to see me, I am what anyone would type-cast as a quiet, meek woman and once, a close friend even described me as ‘fragile’ in her college farewell note to me. Not surprisingly I had always thought of myself as someone who accepts things the way they are, seldom challenging my circumstances, very rarely speaking out against the myriad forms of injustice I saw around me. Due to my own repressed childhood I strove at all times to avoid conflict and assume a ‘safe’ stance in everything I did in life. However, one May day in the year 2007 an incident erased the word ‘fragile’ from my personality dictionary forever.
Resham George and I, mates at Stella Maris College BA English Literature, were doing a two month summer internship as journalists at The Hindu during our semester break. As inexperienced interns amidst a sea of brilliant writers, in that absolutely intimidating building that is The Hindu, we had given up on seeing any story we filed being published, but that didn’t stop us both from chasing a lead about why auto rickshaw drivers in Chennai charged fares as if they were The Orient Express! Having been on the receiving end we really wanted to find out just why they wouldn’t use a meter and decided to start at the nearest auto drivers union of sorts – the one at Spencer Plaza.
I had arrived earlier than Resham and stepped into Landmark to buy nothing in particular and while away the time. As soon as she came into the mall, I walked out towards Phase 2 where we were going to meet. It seemed like a busy morning (days when Spencer Plaza was still the only big mall in the city) and a lot of people walking aimlessly, a typical mall day. As soon as I met my friend we were huddling along towards the stairs when I felt a sharp pinch on my chest which was obviously aimed at my breast but had missed. It took a split second, exactly a split second, to understand that I had been groped. Within seconds my body and face were burning hot, I had dropped the phone in my hand, the lazy backpack was on the floor and I had taken an about turn to accost the bastard who had dared to touch me wrongly, intentionally, that too in a public place and the next thing I know I was chasing an adult man on the circular floor of Spencer Plaza and the only sensation I felt was rage.
Well, thank God for my rage, because I could have easily lost him among the unhelpful crowd even though I screamed out to passersby to stop the man few feet ahead of me. Somewhere behind me I heard dear Resham screaming, “Thief, thief, catch him, catch him!” but nothing was going to distract me. After a full circle of running, luckily, I cornered the groper near the entrance of Pantaloons. I had him, now what? If you or someone you know has been in the same situation the one thing I know we’ll have in common at this point is the way our hearts beat madly, our mouths go dry and our hands are shaking violently and for a moment we are not able to comprehend our next move. I was a bunch of nerves, but more importantly I was a bunch of angry nerves and I let my anger get ahead of me, and if you ask me I’d advise you to do the same any day as long as you’re not alone with your abuser. When I saw his face, I went straight for his collar like a wild animal. I saw his hands come to block me from him but alas, a fist delivered un-aimed blow to his face and another to his neck while a knee kicked him in his balls. Both fist and knees were mine, my sucker punch moment had just happened.
He was obviously shaken that I had run after him, so what followed was a mild surprise. He screamed in anger, “Hey, why are you running after me, who are you?” with a look of an equally wild animal and with an accent I recognized was somewhere from North India. “Who am I you asshole? I’m the girl who you just pinched, forgot me so fast?” Clearly, now you know I took the emotional route. Having said that, and after having clutched his thick gold bracelet with all my fingers, I turned to see the crowd that had gathered around us and looked up to see two circles of people looking down at us from the other floors. Amidst all the confusion I had a second to notice our captive had wet his corporate trousers, something that I’m very proud of. A security guard in the crowd said in Tamil, “Leave him ma, what did he do, why are you holding him?” Lost for words, I went to him and demonstrated just exactly what had been done. He was shocked, clearly one disgusted young man was also angry and did me the courtesy of delivering a couple more blows. I think by then I had made my stance clear; I wanted to get to the nearest police station.
A few calls were made, one to my then boyfriend and another to a close friend to tell them I was going to be at Greams Road Police Station. He sat between the security guard and me in the auto and I asked him to give me his visiting card. He said he didn’t have one, I asked him if he was married, he said no, where he worked and he said he couldn’t say. In reply I told him he wasn’t going home unless his employers or family came to the station and felt something in me had changed for the first time after that last half hour. Oh, there was change in him too you see. Suddenly I had become “Sister” and I was being requested upon to show mercy and have compassion and let him go. “We all make mistakes” he said in a shamed puppy voice and if it weren’t for the auto driver I would have slapped him again for saying that. I mean, we do wonder what it is with people who choose to the wrong thing, knowing it is wrong, and then try to reason it? (The answer is a taser gun my ex later suggested)
At the station, more drama unfolded – the police were extremely helpful, understanding and sympathized with me, but that was only until we discovered that this moron’s brother-in-law was a judge in the High Court. Their sympathies and appreciation of my bravery suddenly turned into warnings and doubtful advice on why I should not press charges. Not only that, this man was married, had two daughters, one of whom had been born just a week before. Both he and his wife worked at Polaris. When I insisted that they call his wife to the station his brother-in-law asked if he could talk to me alone and said, “I am so shocked that he has done something like this, he’s actually a very nice man… See, I’m a judge in the High Court and I know how you’re feeling right now, but think about your future, you’re just a college student and you’re so immature. Don’t break up a family. If you press charges, I know how to handle it so it will be a waste of your time anyway”. I did my best Iron Lady and said, “Call your sister”.
The problem with Indian women is we’re too scared, not only to speak but also to listen I thought, later, when I had met the wife. She held my hands and apologized which was stupid, because she hadn’t done anything wrong. I simply told her what he had done and that she ought to know this about her husband. At first, she didn’t believe it, she broke down in tears and seemed heartbroken. Although I felt guilty about telling her, I thought it was the best thing to do. My friend who had come over to help later told me I should have kept quiet after reporting him to the police but I argued saying getting him a few blows was as good as not doing anything at all. I’m glad I stuck to my decision because I’m sure if it was my friend who had been groped instead of me she too would have wanted to let people around the man know what a cheap human being he was.
I didn’t press charges, but I went back home thinking to myself that if at that one moment I hadn’t dropped everything, hadn’t screamed and gone after the man who violated my personal space I would have only felt weak and abused all my life. That’s if I remembered the incident, but don’t you agree that most of us often do? Often people around us might tell us we can’t afford to risk our seemingly safe lives by keeping mum about sexual abuse or sexual harassment, but doesn’t that mean we make ourselves victims? Over the years I have come across so many stories from friends and family, morbid stories, some highly disturbing and others just passing references to an unpleasant look while walking across the street or in a bus. What’s disheartening is that there are very few stories that probably end like mine.
In our society, we women are discouraged to make noise about these kinds of hushed issues, issues that are made to seem shameful and as though we have to put up with it in some inexplicably weird way just because we’re born women. Why are we so afraid of shaming the monsters that shame us? Aside from questions that can be answered, aside from pepper spray and taser guns, aside from our conditioning and our immediate response to when we are faced with a situation of sexual harassment, we need to let go of our fears and risk a little action by screaming. By saying No, I will not tolerate it if you give me a lecherous stare. By indicating you don’t need to be man-size to protect your dignity and that you can fight back, stare back, spit back. A lot of my friends are going to disagree with me and say ‘it depends on where you are’ and you’d rather not risk getting attacked in case you happen to be alone. That is fair, but what about in buses, on streets, at homes? We have a right to be in public without having to worry about if our clothes are sticking to us. (I was wearing a salwar kameez for crying out loud, so screw those people up there who say women attract wrong attention!) We have a right to walk straight on the road without having to duck and escape elbows and shoulders. Make it your right to offend people who tell you not to press charges, who tell you not to go behind a man you think you could have caught and brought to task, who tell you to ‘forget it’ because it happens to every other woman. If we need to claim that right, we need to start hollering back today.
P.S. I know it’s all easy on black and white, to offer advice and to speak like a champion but much harder to do, but here’s what I’m saying – trying will surely make a difference, and this world a better place.
Ashwini Poovaiah
32 Responses
Author comments are in a darker gray color for you to easily identify the posts author in the comments
Ashwini, thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. As you say, its not just about using pepper sprays or safety pins, its about what we do/say, how we can respond, at that moment.
Dear Team at Chennaiholla, thank you for letting me share my story. Just wanted to say what an amazing forum you are to get these stories out there and up the courage for some random girl/lady somewhere! Great work, awesome to be part of it!
Wow! We’re thrilled that Ashwini’s story is generating so many comments, discussion, debate. That’s exactly what the Hollaback forum is meant for! Thank you all!
Hi Ashwini! I love what you did! I’m so glad you stood up and did what you had to do!
You are absolutely right…. Dropping the issue would’ve probably made the guy go pinch someone else’ breasts.
I don’t think he’s going to stop, but he’d atleast think twice before he does this again! How long can his brother in law stand up for him!
I’m so proud of you!
Hi Shilpa, thank you! Today one of the responses I received from a guy is that he felt bad for the man because he’d be tainted forever in the eyes of his family. I was like WTF but then, I guess he was just being sympathetic and absolutely removed from what the guy actually did to me. Nevertheless I’ll always feel I did the right thing, too bad for him he got more than he bargained for!
Ash
Glad you did what you did to him.
Hope some in the crowd learned what is wrong.
Hi Bhanu,
I certainly hope they did, a lot of my friends found it inspiring which I think was the best part of this experience.
Ash
Really impressed Ms.Judes!!! Way to go..!! All women, be it Indian or not.. should learn from this.
Really bold of you to share this. Well written btw!! xx
Thanks Jerin Mr. Jude!
Absolutely agree and I’m sure a lot of women will think twice about not thinking twice if they were threatened.
great read, glad you didn’t just let him get away, never should imho too.
Thanks Zombie!
Ashwini, this was extremely well-written, and what you did that day was nothing short of heroism. These vile characters need a jolt, and you’ve spoken for the huge population of women who have been victims of sexual harrasment. The least thing one can do as a victim or a bystander is to bring attention to the incident. At least it will serve as a warning to potential harrasers.
Hi Shaheema! Thank you for your comments, you’re right about speaking out about it, awareness is our biggest strength I’d say. Over the last two days I spoke to male friends who said sometimes they were not even told about the incident until much later which is actually where our weakness lies. Speaking back is surely rule number one!
Your retaliation – wouldn’t want it any other way.
Bold one Paro!
You inspire and encourage us to fight back.
Respect.
Thanks Deva!
Hola Ashwini! First things first. Am really proud of people who come out and voice their opinions w.r.t sexual harassment(even if it is a random person who’s post I read on a random site), because unless the victims speak, there cannot be any solution to it. So kudos to you Ash (I take the liberty of calling you Ash cos I like it better:P), for not sugar-coating anything, and being starkly honest about it. My personal sexual harassment related experiences are aplenty and I’ve been at the receiving end far too many times. There were times when I would swear under my breath and wish there was a rabid dog at the end of the street that would eat away the weiner of the bastard who just undressed me with just his lewd eyes. There were also times when I had used my 3 years of Taekwondo training on some man who’d “accidently” touched my breasts or felt my butt. (Oh yeah, the post-kicking-his-balls feeling is better than an O). Whenever I had raised my voice or hand against any of these bastards, I had people telling me that I am either over-reacting or it was a genuine mistake on the part of the offender and that he never meant to do it. Me being the emotionally charged one (battery full, almost always!) would pounce upon the ones who are supporting him too. Later did I realize that offenders come in two forms, one the offender himself, and two, the ones who would side with him whatsoever. I don’t really know if its the shrillness of my voice when am mad or the fact that such a petite and meek-looking woman could create such a scene amidst a crowd that comes as a surprise to them, so much so that they don’t take the side of the bhadrakali (one of the many names conferred upon me by onlookers) who is screaming her angst out (I can speak profanity so well in multiple languages, that too at high decibels) and prefer helping out the poor soul who had just pinched my breasts. This has been the scenario in both Chennai where I was born and brought up, and the rest of the places I’ve managed to live in in my adult days. And none of the puppy faces of the offenders, or the “pona pordhu, theriyama pannittaan vitremma” of the sympathizing public, or the intimidating “yeh kya bada scene kar rahe ho idhar” of the policemen has deterred me from pressing charges against them. I’ve heard my share of “periya bajeri pa iva” or “she sure is some kind of feminist” or “pakka lesbian solren paar, illena why would she get so offended if a man calls her semma item” and all that bullshit. This has also gotten me the reputation of being a trouble seeker even among my own family members who think I am always on a look-out for troubles. Well, yes I am, in every sense of the word. Be it for myself, or the loved ones around me, or any random woman or child who needs that one person to make them realize that it is okay to talk against sexual harassment and defend oneself. So here I am, letting you know that you’ve done a great job and wishing you’d keep it up in the days to come. Way to go sista!
Maya.
Ash is perfect, thanks Maya! You had me at Taekwondo lady, so amazing you actually used it on someone. I wish we could come up with some sort of weekend club where interested women are taught basic self defense (or basic attack in this case
) which would enable them to be confident about speaking back. I thoroughly enjoyed reading the cliché phrases they use to classify us as rebellious feminists who probably deserved the grope in the first place and I think you should share one of your experiences on here. I am so happy that you’re a ‘periya bajari’ too and tell you what sista, we’re going to take over the world!
Amazing. Proud of you. You deserve to be given an Ashok Chakra. Glad Belinda shared this(she hardly dumps my inbox with any forwards or links). And a great narration to suit the bravery. I would share this with others too…
Thanks for sharing Jason, would help the cause!
Cheers,
Ash
Impressive!!!.. And respect… If there were more people like you in this world my friends would not need to be so afraid as to require me to chaperon them around places…Be loud vocal and DO NOT CHANGE!!! Our society has fallen into this morbid sickness or apathy to such cases. Its like we are totally accepting this kind of behavior as normal as if these people cant help themselves. We need to wake up from this anesthetic sleep that we are in and realize this is wrong and take action.. This is a step in the right direction, but we need to follow it up with more. Its not a solo jog… we need a mass marathon.. Keep it up!!
Hi Arun,
Yessir, and what with your basic defense moves we shall truly take on the word of creepy crawlies!
took guts to do what you did, especially in the face of that subtle threat by bro-in-law.. but I’m glad you did. More women need to stand up against such lechers..
Thanks Doc,
Agree, what we need is women to stand up for themselves, be it any kind of threat or injustice.
Hi Aishwarya,
Outset Kudos for your bravery and sharing the incident with the feelings straight from the heart. A society that denigrates women is bound to go down the drain. Strict laws must be enforced with a death penalty for rape.
Also, women too must adopt a decorum in public life. Our movies that glorify profanity must be shunned with disgust. The Hindu where you are doing internship can be leveraged to take your message to a wider audience and kick start a larger campaign.
Your sharing of this incident may just be that beginning.
Take Care and Best Wishes
Hello Sir,
My name is Ashwini. I would like to point out that I don’t quite understand what you mean by women adopting decorum in life. Is it connected to the statement about movies? In that case again, it is largely a government/censor board that is largely manned by men which makes these decisions. But at the end of the day no movie/commercial venture glorifies groping/rape but to an extent does portray them as social evils. If by profanity you mean the way women dress onscreen I wonder there will be men willing to pay just about enough money to ensure profanity sells on celluloid space. We could definitely discuss decorum in public life. I do hope it does not involve “dressing” in a way that does not attract attention and not being outdoors after a certain point. If they are I disagree because men and women are equal and making women succumb to rules and regulations so as to avoid harassment will only pot them down further and not add to the cause of uplifting them.
The Hindu where I did my internship was hardly bothered about my experience Sir. At least, at the time.
Thank you for sharing, best wishes
Ash
Hi Ashwini
Thanks for sharing your story.I totally understand your terror and feeling of violation,having travelled in Chennai’s buses myself.I kick,scream and slap when I get groped.And I used to get admonishments form other women,that people falling on you was acceptable,and I was making a big fuss.I’m also a member of Blank Noise Chennai,and feel proud that you took that asshole to the station.
Cheers
Vandhana
Hi Vandhana,
Absolutely, women telling you that you’re throwing a tantrum is the worst. I’m sure they’d disagree if their daughters were getting touched inappropriately in front of them on the same buses. Hopefully, the message will spread and I do hope one day public transport will recognize the agony of women and issue notices to be placed inside buses and trains so men know what they should not be doing.
Cheers,
Ash
Hi Ashwini,
Hats off to you for your brave act.I would call it brave coz most of the girls shy away even from talking about such sexual harrasment.
You have set standards for all the girls who are at receiving end and also to the male species , especially with the rotten mentality who indulge in such acts.
Way to go girl. I am proud of you
Hi Ashwini, Wow! What an amazing read. There has to be a support movement and a united poa for all women who are abused by well dressed low lives in crowded places. This sounds so good. Shame the creep, call up your support movement and insist the police call his wife to rescue him from the station. Don’t forget to take their picture to hand in to your movement to do with what they will.
Taking the oervveiw, this post is first class
My girlfriend through the same thing, albeit at a dark and secluded alley. I know how humiliated and violated she felt after the incident and the rage in her that she couldn’t do anything but scream at the empty air around and curse herself for taking that road from the temple at that time of the day with her mother by her side.
No sympathy for the creep. People like him deserve no mercy. He deserves the amount of humiliation you brought him in front of his wife and maybe more.
Loads of respect for what you did. Takes a lot of courage!